Yesterday I spoke briefly with my friend, Elijah McShane, and he invited me to be a part of a team of kānaka for an organization, and he is creating. This project sounds absolutely incredible, and it reignited the fire in my ʻuhane (and under my ass) to move home, to help Hawaiians and Hawaii. Growing up, I never cared about the movement. Our school would have us do things for it, and that was the only time I ever was part of it because all I cared about was going to the beach, boys, smoking weed, and partying. Now as an adult, I can see the bigger scope and the need for support to be implemented to help our people. I want to be part of it so badly and I think this is why I had to leave home. To realize what I had when I no longer had it. Unfortunately, I will say I was a pretty ungrateful brat, but now I’m just a brat. I feel like I know of enough people that genuinely love and care about me that I would be able to get a job. It would also be nice to be around friends. I do miss having a social life, but the people in Utah are different. I tried the whole making friends thing, but they operate. Weird. Not my cup of tea. So I’ve isolated myself and no longer attempt to do that now. I’ve been here for 20 years and I’m over it, Utah isn’t my home. The environment is foreign to me. I’m the haole here and I belong at home, helping my people to get out of survival mode and into thriving mode. I know I can help to influence people in a way that would help others, and while money has never been my priority, probably why I’m always broke, I know I needed to survive anywhere because that’s what is used to exchange goods with others, but I won’t allow it to ever get in the way of my mission here on earth. That is to uplift the lāhui I’ve always been called to do that, with jobs I’ve had an even the work and Contin I create today. That’s where my heart is and when I feel the most aligned and alive! Hence why I feel like absolute crap living in bum fuck Utah.
Two things I’ve learned this year so far:
- I will never thrive being a slave to build someone else’s dream.
- I will never thrive, living on foreign land, where I am disconnected from my culture and my people.
So I need to make this move happen. I lost hope when I was let go from my job in February but I can get another! I can earn the money that we need to move and sustain ourselves in Hawaiʻi, and I know that Akua will make it all work out because it is a part of His plan! I feel it in my bones. As of today, I am 43 years old, I feel a little tardy to the party but maybe that was part of the plan too.